The Manual of Midnight Mischief Makers

March 31, 2013
Whether intentional or not, there are times when we find ourselves no stranger to the early hours of the morning. Be it in aid of a red-eye flight, or the fact you are too lazy to take yourself to bed, we must find ways to entertain ourselves. That is why I have prepared this handy go-to guide on how to successfully amuse yourselves at the expense of that much-needed beauty sleep and/or livelihood.

Things you will need : an internet connection, a razor, dreams ready to be dashed, and a frying pan.

  1. Listen to power ballads/80s pop hits. Listen to music that you can mime to with emphasis, songs that wouldn't feel out of place at a family wedding disco, the song you claim to hate, but it’s just too darn catchy to ignore. Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners is a not-so-secret guilty pleasure of mine. It’s OK to do this because nobody is there to watch you live out your dreams of becoming a popstar. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re pretending to be David Bowie and you discover someone there, then congratulations, you've found a friend (which solves half of your problem).

  1. Pick a subject, and use this time to find out everything you possibly can about it on the internet. Though, obviously, you must be certain that it is such an obscure topic that it cannot possibly ever benefit you or your future in any way whatsoever. Do not worry, these will be the facts that are permanently etched in your skull when you are trying to squeeze out clever thoughts, you will always remember that Audrey Hepburn actually really dislikes Danish pastries (See no.5)

  1. Find a new hobby, research where, when, how and why. Then don’t follow through. Alternatively, you could just look at “funny cats” on Youtube. I've attached a good starting point for you.


  1. Paint your nails, spend ages trawling the internet for special patterns, hunt around your entire house (quietly of course) trying to find that polish you bought in Year 10, and set up a neat and tidy work station. Spend over an hour painting them to the best of your ability, don’t worry – the right hand is always going to be a little bit shaky. Sit down with a cup of coffee and let them dry. Promptly forget you were letting them dry and do any of the following – go to the loo, “have an itch”, rearrange the pillows, or simply breathe – and watch your beautiful nail art be destroyed in seconds.

  1. Watch a film you've always wanted to watch, and then the moment it stops playing leave absolutely no time to digest the content, and proceed to Google the title and devour every critique, continuation error and useless fact. You can finally answer the question that’s been playing on your mind since the opening credits “What else have they been in?” and if you’re feeling particularly zealous, you might enjoy photographs of the cast members now they are way past their prime. Most of the men look like melted wax now, and you feel a bit guilty for fancying them in the film.

  1. Look at pictures of gorgeous women on the internet, and wish to look similar to them. One thing you must be sure of is that they are of a completely different body shape and skin tone to you, so it’s a bit of an extra challenge when you design a cruel fitness regime based around actually becoming the girl you saw on the internet. Quickly realise you have neither the energy nor dedication to fulfil such a task and stuff your face with anything you can find. Which actually ties in nicely with no.7.

  1. Food. All of it. Be ruthless.

  1. Experiment with new looks, if you've never tried to make your hair look like a pineapple, now is your chance!! Be thankful that you have a phone which is capable of immortalising the look, and take this opportunity to share the image with the world. Guys, if you've allowed a bit of hair to accumulate around your mouth, why not use the early hours of the morning to fashion it into zany styles? Or you could just quit messing around, and just go ahead and shave it into a Hitler-style toothbrush moustache. Sehr stilvoll!

  1. Eat some more food. Bacon is always a winner (unless you’re Jewish, Muslim, a vegetarian, or just insane in the membrane).

  1. And finally, change back into your sad-act uniform of the same dirty pyjamas and vacant expression just in time for your family to wake up. Trudge around pretending to busy yourself and prepare for your day. Show off your new controversial facial hair, and wave them goodbye as they head off to work and school already feeling proud of you for waking up at a reasonable hour, ready to start your successful day. This is your cue to jump into bed, and sleep until they come home again this evening. Repeat cycle.

I'm grateful to have been given the chance to share these foolproof tips with you, be aware that you must now be prepared to miss out on several great life opportunities on account of sheer laziness. 

Good luck, and may the force be with you.

1 comment:

  1. Ellen, this is excellent. Next time you're up all night, have a look on internet for journalism apprenticeships. You're a natural.


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