Same Shit, Different Location

September 17, 2013
It’s 15:54 and I'm sitting on my laptop wearing my pyjamas. I'm drinking another cup of coffee. It’s raining. I have several job-site tabs open; none of which I am looking at. You wouldn't be mistaken if you thought I was still lazing around in my parent’s house, but believe it or not I am in the hostel which I raved about in my last post. I am fully amidst the new adventure which I was so excited to begin, yet I find myself miserably stuck in my mundane patterns. They say old habits die hard but I never imagined removing myself from the rut I was suffering at home would leave me submerged in the same uninspiring cycle, only in a new city. It leads me to believe that perhaps it’s not the location causing me to waste my youth but the lazy, self-destructive part of myself which seems intent on sitting indoors every day and re-watching Twin Peaks for the third time. I don’t know why I am so determined to become nothing at all.

      

I am only writing this because somebody left a comment on here asking me to update the blog I had almost forgotten existed. I remember when I first started to post my entries and how I used to pore over every menial word, spend hours readjusting my sentence structure, and reread the whole thing several times just to make sure I didn't make a fool of myself on the internet. I feel this sums me up entirely, my obsessions that begin so ferociously and fizzle out into a pathetic disinterest. Something tells me I've already written that in a previous blog post but as I say, I lack the drive to reread any of my earlier writings for fear of cringing at the hard work I put in.

On top of that, I have lost all inspiration to follow my pipe-dream of writing my novel after I naively shared my idea with a woman staying at the hostel before leaving for a family holiday. Said woman later revealed herself to be a writer and I found her in the corner of the common room scribbling away in a reporters notebook, a sight familiar to me as I had been doing the same months earlier. Anyway, it turns out she’d ‘just happened’ to be struck with inspiration at some point during my vacation and had begun work on her very own book. What a coincidence, we just happened to have the same topic idea (!!!!) When a friend told her I was already writing the same book she retaliated “She’s 19, what the hell does she know about life?”. Apparently she has publisher interest. True or not, I'm stubborn enough to stick my bottom lip out and fantasise about burning my notebooks.

The moral of this story is that there is always somebody waiting for you to slip up and if you don’t slip, they will be there with their foot sticking out and they will do the job for you. Your job is to ignore them and carry on walking.

The next step is learning to take your own advice. 

2 comments:

  1. You're amazing Ellen. Write the bloody book, and write it better than she could. I'd put money on the 'publisher interest' being all lies/speculation. You are a fantastic writer - I mean it. P.s. no harm in watching Twin peaks on repeat

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  2. The moral of this story is that there is always somebody waiting for you to slip up and if you don’t slip, they will be there with their foot sticking out and they will do the job for you. Your job is to ignore them and carry on walking. Are Translators Needed in the Job Market? The next step is learning to take your own advice.

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