The Single Gals Guide to Surviving Valentine's Day and Beyond

February 04, 2014
It’s that time of year again - when Marks & Sparks feel their first real sense of purpose since the run up to Christmas - and start advertising romantic microwave meals for two. Since 50 Shades of Grey catapulted S&M into everyday life in 2012, Valentine’s Day has become an excuse for seemingly boring couples to try and fight the Madonna-Whore complex by buying peek-a-boo underwear and experimental butt-plugs. Everyone seems so quick to dismiss Valentine’s Day as another phoney capitalism-fuelled holiday, yet I know that somewhere in the back of most minds is a glimmer of secret hope, wishing that this year will be the year it all changes, the year you have your perfect date with the perfect kiss. I'm pretty sure that every year in the February issue of Cosmo you will find a similarly titled article, laden with shitty advice about drinking Chardonnay with your best girlfriends and watching The Notebook and crying about how much you hate the men in your life. But I am here to try and bring something new to the table, simply accepting being alone. So ladies, put down your phone. There is absolutely no use in wading through a contact list filled with names of men that didn't have the decency to call you back.

Learn to embrace being alone. Don’t sleep through the whole day, get out of bed and put on that outfit you were saving for a special occasion. Coat your lips in your reddest lipstick (we aren't kissing any boys) and take yourself out for a coffee. Sit outside, smoke a cigarette and watch the people walk by. This is a tip which is not exclusively for Valentines Day, but perhaps for anyone with too much time on their hands. The love of your life might not pull up a chair beside you and ask for your hand in marriage, but I can guarantee that if you make a habit out of lone expeditions to coffee shops, you are bound to meet some very interesting people. For instance, last year I was sat outside Café Nero in Knightsbridge drinking my routinely Vanilla Latte when an older gentleman asked me for a lighter. He was smoking the biggest Cuban cigar I had every seen, and we got talking. He told me about a friend who was casually giving his wife £5m to divorce him, which I found ridiculous (and so did he) and then he told me that he wrote a book and that when I got home I should type his name into Google, because he didn't want to seem like he was bragging but told me instead that he had given lectures all around the world including Harvard. We parted ways and he told me I was wise for a 19 year old, and when I got home and searched his name it turned out “Haitham Rashid Wihaib” was Saddam Hussein’s former Minister of Protocol, and I began to understand why he introduced himself as Alan, but don’t worry guys – he’s a goodie.

Isn't sharing fun?!

Be thankful that you don’t have to share. Of course, when you are one half of an intimate relationship, sharing is inevitable. You share love, your time, your socks, but sometimes it can get a little overbearing. For instance; everybody seems to think that sharing a bed is a beautiful thing. They think it’s all sensual spooning and night-time hand holding, but they neglect to remember the total free-for-all that begins once your partner falls asleep. Once you actually realise that trying to sleep whilst in a romantic embrace is near enough impossible, it becomes a tug-of-war with the covers. I am happy to never have to wake up to the shattering sound of Marimba for anybody but myself and I'm glad that the only snoring in my bed is my own (and I can remain blissfully unaware of the fact I do). The remote is finally your own, no more of the “yes darling, I really do want to watch Independence Day again”. And now you don’t even have to pretend that you’re happy to split the bill down the middle even though you’d secretly tallied it up in your head and you know you didn't order that much. You’ll never have to coyly pretend that you didn't want the last piece of pizza, regardless of how loudly it had been calling your name for the past 10 minutes.

You see, whether you've invested in some fancy pink device that claims to get you off and pick your nose at the same time or not, being single isn't actually that hard. Get off that sofa, invest in a push up bra, and you never know – you might actually get asked out on a date next year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


EDJ 2013. Powered by Blogger.