Not Quite Out

July 09, 2016
This weekend (today, really) marks the 36th annual Christopher Street Day - which for all you non Germans is what we call our Pride celebrations! Today also marks the release of a post I have been sitting on for a while. So using classic diversionary tactics, I have decided to send it off into the world whilst I am obliviously cheering on the parade. Perhaps you'll find a few other reasons as to why I have chosen this very day to share this...  

My two elder sisters are gay, much to the amusement of my primary school peers "What?! With each other?". Because of the normality of growing up around various partners, I accidentally outed a colleague a few years later. I didn't understand that for some people it wasn't something they thought everybody ought to know. 

When I was 13, I kissed my best friend at a sleepover. And the time after that. 

When I was 17, I fooled around with another girl in her childhood bedroom. That's just what teenagers do, right?

It was somewhat of a joke back then, because how could a girl with walls adorned with numerous posters of Edward Cullen possibly be gay? In later years it became a pawn, tantalisingly dangled in front of men at parties whom I was trying to impress. 



I guess you could say that there were signs, I was (and still am) mildly obsessed with the sexuality of female celebrities. Like scrolling through Instagram to confirm to my friends that Kendall Jenner is 100% a lesbian because I just *knew*. I would watch movies where girls fell in love with girls and cry my eyes out for no reason. 

Around five months ago I began to wonder if it was perhaps a little bit more than fancying women in celluloid, or compulsively clicking the "lesbian" category on PornHub. I secretly sought advice from "out" friends, which was really helpful. It was weird, after living my whole life openly supporting the LGBT community, all of a sudden I was ashamed. Like, it was OK for all the people I highly respect to be queer, but me?

The funny thing is, it wasn't for fear of judgment, or being disowned from my exceedingly open-minded family. It was because it is so cliché. Girl who writes about football. The third sister in one family. Perpetually single. You get the picture. It's funny to have been doubtful about something that seems so obvious and palpable to me now. 

Yes, I like girls. I also like boys. This isn't supposed to seem like some massive coming out story, like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon; because frankly, who gives a damn these days? I've widened my breadth and still nobody wants to kiss me. 



Honestly, it's not a big deal. I know that I'm writing this and blah-de-blah, but that's only because it was really useful for me to hear about other people's experiences.

Another issue I've faced is that there never really feels like an appropriate time or way to share this new information about myself. Like perhaps one day you'll be scrolling through Facebook and skim reading: Sandra is having another baby. Rob just got engaged (even though he was married last summer). Ellen sometimes likes to kiss girls. Tony misses his Nan on what would have been her 71st birthday. I haven't even told my family yet. Hi, Mum!

At first it feels like a big commitment to come to terms with. Does this mean I'll never get married and have children? Do I now have to adorn a sleeveless leather jacket and get a pseudo-rebellious facial piercing? Do I have to take down my Edward Cullen posters?! 

The fact of the matter is that your queerness can be anything you want it to be. I feel so happy to be surrounded by people that allow me to be free. 

2 comments:

  1. This isn't Shetland Gill,it's Cheshire Grandma. Good for you Ellen, glad you can take advantage of today's open attitude to sexuality. Never say never, just remember nothing is compulsory. Lotsaluv Sweetie.

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  2. Well, I'd have preferred to hear from you directly rather than here - but hey, what the heck - it's none of my business and yay you just made me a whole lot cooler! Mum xxx❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️xxx

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