Coming Out: The Epilogue

January 08, 2017
In hindsight the first time I realised I liked women was the night I watched Blue is the Warmest Colour. I'd out-of-characteristically rented the title from Amazon, and thought I'd finally see the film people had been talking about for years. I was living with my best friend at the time, and as the credits rolled, there she was in the next room laying in the bed we shared. I couldn't possibly go in there, because what if she sensed that I was suddenly thinking about women in *that* way? The thought terrified me. What if it meant I wanted to kiss her? I had no idea. (I didn't, sorry Grace). That night I slept on the sofa.

I know it sounds entirely cliché but I think we can perhaps take comfort in the way life works in circles and that our experiences (thank god) have all been lived before. This can be hard to realise, especially during the midst of your trauma. It's like the angsty teenager within bubbles up to the surface. Because how could anybody deign to believe that they understand how I'm feeling right now?!?! But with a bit of a grown-up perspective: when somebody tells you they understand, they usually do.





But how could Grace have guessed how I was feeling when I hadn't even come to terms with it myself yet? I'm not exactly the best at seeing the obvious. This Christmas, for instance; my sister and I each opened up a "Top of the Pops" vinyl featuring two scantily clad women. I laughed and thought it was perhaps my parents weird way of supporting me. You can imagine my surprise when the next present I opened was a record player! 


Around the time it came out, I would say I watched the "unrated" version of the Blurred Lines music video on YouTube around 14 times in a day. "But it's so catchy!" I protested. It's only now, looking back that I realise it was because I like women. And probably a lot of my unnecessary jealousy may have stemmed from liking girls. Maybe I thought the reason I was looking at them was for comparison, and obviously I'll never be Emily Ratajkowski. I was quite sad for a while.



I remember using up all of my courage to send a message saying "I keep thinking about girls". In the beginning it was difficult even admitting to Google that I was feeling that way. But despite that, once I started coming out to people it became hard to stop. I wanted everybody to know.

Today I decided to watch the film again. I wondered if the way I viewed it would differ, would I still feel the same glee whilst watching Adèle dance to I Follow Rivers* in the garden? Alas, I tried but the film wouldn't play properly on my iPad. Something about those subtitles got it reeling.



VIDEO- I FOLLOW RIVERS
*Side note - I actually had my own joyful moment dancing to this song. It was the day I had "come out" in my last entry, coinciding with CSD/Pride. Myself and my best friends had bought tickets at the last minute to a huge party in the old town hall at Marienplatz. It was around 2am and the whole of this fantastic, historical courtyard was singing, I was covered in glitter and draped in a rainbow flag. I remember screaming and excitedly trying to tell every/anyone about the scene with Adèle dancing but it was too loud. I'll always think fondly of this song, thanks to the movie and that wonderful day.

I think a big issue is worrying that you aren't gay enough. Funnily enough, those few moments of panicking about liking girls quickly develops into feeling that you won't fit in within the LGBT community. I'm currently collecting experiences. The first time you cry over someone of the same sex. First real date. Like holding hands with a girl you fancy as 11:59 turns into screams of HAPPY BIRTHDAY and everybody grapples to kiss you, but not her. It still counts. Achievement Unlocked. It's all part of it.

Whenever people ask me "if I'm a lesbian now?" I don't know what to say. I'm silent for a moment as I turn the word over in my mouth. No, I reply. I don't know what this means. It would be unfair to discount every painstaking crush I've ever had on boys. They still make me giggle nervously as they say something kind of charming. I still want to secretly touch my knee against their knee. Sometimes men repulse me, but didn't they always? No, definitely not a lesbian. I don't feel like defining it.


This all feels a little What Katy Did Next, but I received so many positive responses to my last entry that I couldn't help but update you all.

My life is defined by a series of unrequited infatuations. I wondered if me coming out would make her like me less or more. I selfishly hoped that by coming out myself that she would feel inclined to do the same. Or at least realise that she wanted to kiss me. Unfortunately it didn't. When I write the book of my life, I'll change that part. Just kidding. I did it for me. Deep down, regardless of sexuality or gender, or whatever else life may throw at us, when it comes to matters of the heart, we are all still 13 years old appearing offline and miraculously reappearing moments later.

4 comments:

  1. Loved the Adele dance. You're young and have plenty of time to decide what you 'are' and/or 'aren't'; I just hope for you that the 'are' list is consistently bigger than the 'aren't' list. I think that fear of being 'not gay enough' is quite common amongst the newly enlightened! I certainly remember that. Great that you are back writing again, keep going!lots of love (aunty) Gill xxx

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  2. We love and are proud of you whoever you choose to fancy* (*Exclusions apply: Torys, Trumpettes, Nazis etc etc). Love love love, Mum and Dad xxxxxxxxx

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  3. Babe we obsessed over Emily Ratajkowski's sideboob for months haha.. Good for you girl.
    Courtz xx

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  4. Babe we obsessed over Emily Ratajkowski's sideboob for months haha.. Good for you girl.
    Courtz xx

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